Peaceful Parenting Explained
Peaceful Parenting Explained
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Question: “I’ve heard Stefan say numerous times that he doesn’t spank as a form of discipline, whereas I find spanking to be the disciplinary measure of last resort. As a father I am always willing to use nonphysical consequences, redirection, reasoning, and the like before any physical consequences, but as these periodically fail to correct a maladaptive behavior I have found spanking sufficient to do this. My position is that spanking is actually an appropriate form of disciple (again as a last resort) primarily because it teaches a truth about life, namely, that sometimes there are physically painful consequences to our actions. These, if done correctively and not punitively, may get our attention and cause us to change our behavior. I’d love to talk about this with Stefan and get his perspective on the issue.”
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What about when your middle schooler is straight out telling you no? Constantly. And showing complete and utter disrespect whilst mentally terrorizing his younger siblings?
i could really appreciate hearing Stephan’s suggestions on dealing with an autistic child,using the peaceful parenting methods.
*I love to brush my teeth*
I just brushed my teeth!
I was spanked a lot, I don’t think it was good for me.
Adults can’t get their shit together, I don’t expect a child to be able to make the best decisions for themselves.
I don’t never spank my kids. When I do I see that as MY failing to find a solution and valuing what I want over what my child wants.
There is so many more skills a child learns from examples from parents about negotiation and love that they learn on net from a short term task accomplished.
I don’t want my kids to learn to obey out of fear. I want them to learn their own internal drive to make the appropriate sacrifices to be successful. Sometimes appropriate sacrifices specifically requires not obeying rules. Rules aren’t always moral. (Story of Uber as a case example.)
Spanking a kid *just* twice a week WOW. That’s insane.
My parents hitted me 3 times in my whole childhood and specialliy my mom still regrets a lot when we talk about that.
That’s even more insane because pro-spanking people believe they are morally superior to peaceful parents "I correct my child properly". Sick!
Wait wait wait wait. I’m confused. To be honest, I never heard of this topic before (except when I took the political compass test thingy), so I just want to know which side supports spanking? Or it isn’t a "side exclusive" and either side can support (or not support) spanking? Because it seems crazy to me that the left will support spanking.
I usually just tell them “this is what big kids do” and they go along with it
Thank you for making another video on this!!!!
Peaceful parenting.
Stefan Vs. Jordan Peterson.
Make it happen please!
im 17 and still struggle with brushing my teeth😞
Making deals is the way to go. It’s also developmentally helpful. Stef; I watched your vids on this right before my son was born. If an individual has a way to help with a solution the individual will follow through. Essentially you’re giving your child a leg up with this method. Being able to negotiate is a great skill. I know adults that can’t do this.
This was a great conversation and very helpful.
Onya Stefan! Call a spade a spade. Love your work.
I was having an excellent conversation with my girlfriend about this topic tonight. She believes limited spanking would be acceptable, I dont think any is ok. The way I explained my stance on the subject is by equating it war in politics. War is the failure of negotiations, and i believe spankings is also an admittance of a failure of negotiations. Obviously I am simplifying it for the purpose of not writing a crazy long post. I would love to hear what everybody has to say about my war analogy.
Does Stefan drink coffee? He might want to retract his marijuana statements then. Marijuana is safer than coffee. (Being a "Stoner" isn’t good either IMO.)Great video though.
Parents who are struggling should really first get educated on what represents normal child growth and development! If you have no idea what is normal you will be stuck with unreasonable expectations. You cannot reason with a two year old, but knowing this you can be reasonable yourself. Make sure your kids are properly fed and well rested, don’t put them in a position to be patient for an hour if they can only do so for ten minutes. Be consistent, and know you are trying to build self discipline, not external controls. I did spank each of my kids a couple of times, literally under five in their childhood. If you are spanking weekly it is not working.
With the slow eating , we’ve mostly just said there are 3 or 4 meals a day , that’s when you eat. If you don’t eat during that time then the table will be cleaned off and you have to wait for the next meal – no snacks. They understand that pretty quickly.
Spanking 2-year olds is insane. That dad is a looney and a control freak. Should have lost his custody long time ago.
That brken kid was me when I was visiting my dad every other weekend. I was scared to death of him.
"Spare the rod, spoil the child" isn’t in the bible. The saying refers to Proverbs 13:24, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” This is similar to Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die," and, while a pro-spanking Christian will claim that this refers to "spiritual death", the same don’t recognize the spirituality of the rod; it’s Christ.
They also fail to take note note of a verse in the very same book that proves this point, Proverbs 14:3: "In the mouth of the foolish is a rod of pride: but the lips of the wise shall preserve them." Perhaps they could say, "That’s not the same Hebrew word," but you can find evidence in that word as well, as it refers also to God, his authority, his pen.
They are interpreting it like the Jews did, that the Sceptre (same word as rod, Numbers 24:17) came to destroy those they saw as enemies, rather than the evil spirits of our own lack. The rod of sickness is not the rod we should use. Jeremiah 51 will be difficult for the violent to understand why early Christians and Christ himself did not resort to the rod a spanker knows. Let the pen of the Holy Ghost write upon all hearts the love of God and write their new names in the Book of Life that is Christ. Bless you, Stefan.
More at: http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2014/05/10/spare-the-rod-the-heart-of-the-matter-2/
I agree with most of your positions but on this I completely disagree, the problem with today’s children is a lack of respect for the consequences of their actions ! America didn’t have the problems we have today up and until the early 1970s when this gurus bullshit zen libral crap started . What we are seeing is parents and single parents who want to be their child’s best friends instead of being parents! Now when a child reaches a certain age then being put on restriction has more power to reach them to understand that actions have consequences, if you do something wrong there’s bad consequences and when you do the right thing it has rewards !
Again…taking parenting advice from a parent of 1 girl is preposterously wrong when compared to 2-4 or 5 boys. Please believe me. Reality,Stefan rolls in and you have NOT experienced it! I have 3 boys and each needs different disciplining. Different personalities.
Look at Jordan Peterson take on disciplining kids.
I think if you start early you should not have to spank your child, I feel it’s only after parents neglect in parenting that people have to spank
TWICE A WEEK!!!!
Josh must be new to the show, Stefan has made it his life’s work that peaceful parenting is a way toward a libertarian future.
Wonderful….but taking advice from a father of one child is not salient. The dynamic totally changes after two and three kids. There’s a entire problem solving dynamic that happens/—/and so how much I adore stefan he doesn’t have experience with multiple kids. It truly is another level. The kids have to exchange and sacrifice and learn in a very different way. I have 3 kids. It’s not the same as 1.
One of the most informative discussions on parenting I’ve yet to hear. I have passed this on to my school psychologist daughter. Hopefully this will further aid in the developement of my grandchild. The concept of the purpose of a parent to make their child metaphorically unbreakable is outstanding, as well as understanding the child’s limited world view, in order to reach appropriate methods to achieve that primary goal and true purpose and responsibility of a parent.
Another thing I do with my kids is to warn them about things like "be careful because your food may be hot" or that they might fall. Sometimes they disregard me and hurt themselves (obviously will not let something actually bad happen to them) , then I point out that I warned them and this is the consequence of ignoring the warning. You build credence that way , and it will help with things like brushing teeth where the cause and effect are not so obvious… or even later in life perhaps getting involved with bad people and whatnot. It will really help then if you’ve established yourself as a person with good judgment and good advice.
Thank you Stefan I 100% changed my mind about teeth brushing
NONE of this is answering how to instill a sense of responsibility and the understanding of consequences in a child. Life isn’t going to fucking negotiate with you at every turn and NOTHING you’re preaching is any way of preparing a child to face that with some dignity and strength. Pandering to children is what has created the shitty world we have right now, which only gets worse with every new generation – HOW are you explaining how to produce honorable, dignified, and socially acceptable children? Just go to Wal-Mart sometime and watch the kids (whom are not hit by their moms, BTW) and the utter TERROR they are unleashed on the world. Try it, and then explain how no discipline fixes that!
"We have to go here and why and how can we make it more fun… "
So, did I miss it or did this explanation forget to include the part of peaceful parenting (by his interpretation) that says you cannot be a peaceful parent and send your child to public school?
It fascinates me that I called to get advice on my child’s fear of school shootings but I was berated for sending him to school in the first place, our traditional family roles and not moving out of the area… but a baby hitter is treated with courtesy.
No, you will not find our conversation on his channel lol
* I am glad he was courteous to the baby hitter but it seems like that should be afforded to other guests as well 😉
Great video!
I would never hurt my child. But it’s very big of Josh to be willing to change and persue other diciplinary means.
It takes alot of guts to admit you’re wrong, or/and that you hit your 4-year old.
Hopefully this conversation can stop others from hitting their children and thus contributing to a more civilized soceity.
Keep up the great work Stefan.
Show your child a picture of some fucked up teeth, lol.
This was inspired. Very kind of you Stefan. You are making such a difference!
What happens if your child doesn’t want to pack up their toys? How to talk through that one?
You only spank your kid until they are old enough to understand reason. You can’t reason with a 5 year old about why it’s bad to climb on the table and jump off and land on your younger siblings. I’m not saying beat your kid but 1 solid crack on the ass does the trick until they understand why it’s wrong what they did
Jordan peterson talks in a video of his discipline of his boy as opposed to his daughter. Time out had to be used to keep him from hurting himself. Dynamic totally changes after having more than 1 child.
I still play hide and go seek with my kids in Walmart. My kids are too old to find it fun anymore. Boooooooo!
This kid is going to be very confused when he grows up. "Dad why did you spank me twice a week for years and then suddenly start talking to me?
I wasn’t hated and treated horrifically as a child and I kind of want to die.
I feel that Stefan may be biased on this because he was terribly abused as a child. Plus he has a daughter, not a son. Girls are far less problematic at that age, and a normal man would never feel right taking a hand to a little girl. Traditionally, that’s a task left to the mother when needed. But when his sweet little angel becomes a teenager, particularly an attractive one, Stefan may find himself dealing with situations that are beyond his control, and for no good reason. At least the ones that he knows about. I wish him the best. However, this guy said he has to spank his kid twice a week to get him to brush his teeth or do what he’s told? That’s ridiculous. He’s obviously not smacking the kid hard enough to get the message into his stupid little head. There IS such a thing as a disobedient and defiant spoiled rotten brat that needs to get wacked upside the head and sent flying across the room. Girls too. Believe you me, the fact that girls rarely ever get punished for their stupidity or callousness is why there are so many horrible women out who go through their entire lives killing souls and destroying lives with nothing more than their blabbering mouths and don’t lose a wink of sleep over it. The fact is, corporal punishment is sometimes necessary depending on the child and the situation as long as it’s justifiable and not "sadism". But people are generally too stupid to know the difference and that’s why it just becomes a cycle of abuse.
I have never laid a hand on my kids either. I never struggled with it. I never needed to. It never came up. I just try to parent through the bond. Relate, relate, relate. When you are home with your kids and you love being with them, and they know it, you have a close relationship. When things do come up, I express my feelings. My children actually care how I feel. I am not always perfect either, I tell them I am sorry when things come up too.
I guess it really goes to show when one starts to use violence, one stops using their mind.
Good one! Interesting and smart, but is it healty if everything in someones life is a matter of negotiation? Is someone’s worth really just a matter of how much stuff he or she can provide? I don’t feel compeletely comfortable with this line of thinking. I agree spanking is a bad idea, but I don’t think bribery is perfect eather. Great food for thought, though.
Thanks Stefan & caller
Actually people did brush their teeth before tooth brushes, they took a stick and fray the end and use that to brush
I can honestly say I was spanked quite a bit at home, all because my academic performance wasn’t the greatest. Not that I wasn’t an intelligent kid, but if I didn’t bring home the best grades, that was a spanking. Teacher said I was acting up, that was another. I asked for a Super Nintendo as a kid, and my dad spanked me.
To his credit, I want to say that I didn’t turn out as a horrible person:
Didn’t graduate college
working a dead end job
never been in real relationship with a woman
driving a busted ass car that could fall apart at any time
criminal record
alcholic
The list goes on. I’m not blaming him for all of these, but I’ve always hated myself in life because I always felt that my dad hated me. He’d beat me with a super thick leather belt that he used for working his security job at a hotel in the 90’s. It would get so bad, that the welts were too painful to sit on at school the next day, so when you showed up quiet and sitting on a jacket, with puffy eyes from crying all night, people already knew what had happened to you. I also went to a very small catholic school, and the teachers had my dad on speed dial. They knew he beat me, too, but no one seemed to mind. They knew it was how they could control me, by ultimately calling my dad (these were mostly female teachers, btw. compassion 404).
Mom was complicit. Hit me a few times, always took his side and made excuses for him when he beat me, saying that if I didn’t make him angry, he wouldn’t have to hit me. I was a kid. Protect me? She would go on for years, trying to convince me that she loved me, but the word love to me rings so hollow that I use it as a joke most of the time, because I don’t think I really know what that means.
I’m working on getting my life in order now, trying to make changes here and there, but after so many years of being abused, and neglecting my own life because I felt I deserved it. I have to reparent myself, in a sense, in order to keep the trauma of being a kid affect me the rest of my life, and I think I’ve found a companion in a woman that I wouldn’t mind spending more time with.
I guess the tl;dr would be, spanking we could make every excuse for in the world, but you can really do a ton of damage when you raise a kid to fear corporal punishment in a sense, and our society suffers because we can’t make use of your skills and talents to better ourselves. The light becomes dimmer once we start covering it in black and blue bruises.
Please don’t hit your kids. Don’t let them turn out as fucked up as I am.
I didnt spank but i did bite my daughter back after the 3rd time she bit me. And she didnt bite anymore.
Her oldest bro had a hypoxic brain injury that caused physical and mental delays. When he was angry he wld do this biting thing in the air and she didnt fully understand what he was doing. She was 4 when she got bit back bc after the 1st two talks, she didnt accept what she was told.